F*** You Ikea


For girls
**Get all the pictures on the web changed to Ryan Gosling**
For boys
**Get your IP address moaned by hot girls**

Hello Ikea and porn lovers. You love to present your books in your unique Billy bookcaseand Google’s auto complete does not work with “you” for YouTube? Then put all the stuff you won‘t need in the next three minutes away in your bag and lean back.

Why not just hide your crappy stuff it in a more suitable box, the “Crap Box“? Of course, as a student most of the crap you have is on your desktop. So why not just put it in the “Cloud“? It would at least organise all your clothes. For instance, you could hang up your favourite costume for the upcoming carnival like the “Fox Kigu“ for him or the “Wolf Kigu“ for her. Ok, that’s enough for it. If you get hungry and a “Grumpy Cat“ ate all your food, just wear this “Burger Sweatshirt“ while cooking with this “Polly Want A Low Carb Option“ apron for the next walking dinner in Maastricht.

Are you  still alone this Friday and have no place to go, just visit the nicest place on earth. Oh sorry, I mean on the Internet. Just in case you are stoned this Friday, watch this. If you went to a house party at the Emmaplein and puked all over the wall, buy some nice blue „Wall Tiles“, or just say sorry with this “I‘m Sorry For What I Said When I Was Hungry“ card. I know you hated history in high school, but I am pretty sure you still remember some important people. For instance, when Bill Murray won the battle against Napoleon. Or for example when Will.I.Am fought in the civil war in the US for the Union.

To return to the really important stuff, you will recognise the sentence “put it in your bag“ when all the students are sitting the MECC Hall and want to write the exam. I hope you‘ve got the right one, a “Tonari no Totoro“ bag. If you got some friends from the UCM who are less materialistic, just present them “Nothing“ for the next birthday party. If you are a girl and always wanted to lick at Captain America’s lollypop, buy this nice poster by artist Chungkong. In case you got robbed in Maastricht and you don‘t like your neighbours because they always complain about your loud music, just buy yourself a new “Doormat“. To stay focued in the next tutorial and to avoid getting confused with your Ritalin pills use this “Pill And Vitamin Organiser“. Oh you still don‘t know what is cool and what not? T read the “Coolness Graphed“ book. Or read the book about “Excuses and Lies“, if you still forgot to print out the course manual. Whenever you bring an iPad into the tutorial, just use the famous “Sport Almanac“ to hide it.

I hope you’ve now got even more nice ideas to keep yourself away from studying.
Philipp Tarnawski


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