“It’s not you… it’s Maastricht”

By Larissa Müller

Dear Students of Maastricht,

If you are experiencing a certain kind of sexual-low since you’ve been living in this city and you don’t want to get used to the fact that you might be the problem, the Urban Dictionary delivers you a more pleasant explanation to your sexual frustration in Maastricht:

The Maastricht Syndrome :

The Maastricht Syndrome describes a lasting, location-dependent sexual low which is supposedly caused by external factors such as stress, work overload, lack of potential sex buddies or other turn-off forces linked to the environment. The Maastricht Syndrome is named after a town in Limburg in the Netherlands where it has been experienced by generations of students. Sexual frustration is generally associated with the Maastricht Syndrome.

boyfriend-pillow

Although whoever invented this non-medical definition has no evidential statistics whatsoever, it can clearly be applied to our environment.  The endless evenings in the Maastricht library (stress), the swollen eyes created by laptop screens or the aggressive looks followed by snarling sounds if someone dares to eat an apple in the quiet rooms (work overload), plus the existence of only three clubs in the whole of Maastricht (turn-off forces linked to the environment), which of course decrease the likelihood of getting off with somebody. Sound familiar? Then you might be a patient unknowingly suffering from the Maastricht Syndrome.

However, the lack of potential sex buddies can luckily also be explained by another Urban Dictionary solution. The Maastricht Effect:

The Maastricht Effect:

A phenomenon which affects attractive women who go to live/study in the small Dutch city of Maastricht. Out of desperation, due to the complete shortage of men, they begin to pay attention to unattractive/odd men and give said men undeserved attention. Symptoms include: hitting laptops, freaking out over text messages, and screaming Fuck you Bob at Vrijthof in the small hours of the morning.

At least this explanation is more suitable for desperate, aggressive, and freaked out girls who give rein to their rage by punching their electronic devices. Female students have, according to the Maastricht Effect, two possibilities: 1. accept the fact that they will be spending their time studying FOREVER ALONE, or, 2. pay attention to unattractive guys – which inevitably also ends in screaming at De Man Met De Fakkel at the Markt. A vicious circle.

Most importantly though: it’s not about you – it’s about the Maastricht Syndrome, caused by the Maastricht Effect. So never mind, your sexual low is location-dependent. For all the girls out there: lack of potential sex buddies because of shortage of men sounds a lot better than the fact that long library hours in combination with too many library sandwiches and muffins with the additional swollen eyes create a female zombie-student. A successful and ambitious zombie-student, but a lonely one, unfortunately.

Let’s face the truth though guys, Maastricht might maybe not be as big as Berlin, as romantic as Paris or as exciting as London, but the snow-covered roof tops of the inner city and places such as the Vrijthof and the Markt do have a certain charm. Besides this positive environmental fact, the Catwalk of Maastricht – also called the Library – shows that we do have enough good-looking men. There might be some fashion errors on both sides (too tight jeans for guys, too high heels for girls that make them look like they peed their pants), but this is no reason for a sexual low. For the most important part you won’t be wearing clothes anyway. However, if nothing seems to help though and the only person hugging you is your boyfriend-pillow, get down to one of the three clubs, de Alla most likely, and dance the lonely night away.

Picture courtesy of lolntroll.com

For more information on student ‘diseases’ go to: https://maastrichtdiplomat.wordpress.com/2014/02/10/student-diseases-maastricht/

Larissa

 Larissa Müller

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