Who needs Atkins, when there is the U-Diet?

By Ida Roivainen

It is almost the end of the year and you cannot wait to enjoy the cinnamon-flavoured weeks. However, as always, there is a but(t) that needs to be fixed before letting loose, as the feast-season will take its toll. Before indulging, one must prep oneself to take in all the goodies. After all, nobody wants to carry the Christmas-kilos after the holidays are over. No need to worry though, I have a perfect solution: the University diet, or U-Diet as the pros call it.


Within couple of weeks you can turn from happy, balanced and healthy into boney, skinny and grumpy – just like all the models in the magazines! And as a bonus you’ll get the tan of the season: snowy white.  Just follow these five steps and you will be ready for the tastiest feast you’ve ever had.


Step 1: Organize

Every routine requires discipline, and thus it is important to write down when you exercise. With this diet it is easy: every day. I mean you don’t have much choice, if you want to be done with all the presentations, essays, take-homes, exams and extra-assignments that you got because you overslept and missed the attendance requirements.


Extra tip: You advent calendar –users, no need to feel bad. Actually at some point you might realize that the cheap chocolate, hidden behind the Santa-figured windows, is the only nutrition at hand, since you don’t have time to do groceries.


Step 2: Regulate

This step is essential, because it will get you to your results fast: forget to eat. In case of dizziness, you can give a try with the vending machine in the library. There’s nothing a pack of crisps or a Snickers-bar wouldn’t fix.


Step 3: Smoke

Who cares about lung-cancer when you can get skinny? The purpose of this step is to help to overcome the challenges of step 2. When you’re dying for hunger, just light up and you’ll forget your stomach was making signals of deprivation. This step also makes your skin look amazing!


Step 4: Stop sleeping

“Time is money,” they say. Keep this as your mantra, and you’ll realize that sleep is overrated. And anyways, you have enough time to rest in the retirement home.


Step 5: Hydrate

Water, coffee, soda, energy-drinks, beer, wine, vodka…who cares as long as you keep drinking.


Et voilà, you’ve never looked better. If you conquer all these steps and manage to stay alive, I guarantee that you have never enjoyed food, rest and the company of your parents as much – hopefully they will still recognize you when you go home for the holidays.


Photo courtesy of collegestudytips.net


Ida Roivainen






One thought on “Who needs Atkins, when there is the U-Diet?”

  1. What a badly written Article! Subtle humour is the way to go, this in-the-face approach is a farce to read.
    I am not saying I would have written it any better, but I don’t actually write Articles.

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